just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
