Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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