Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
