I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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