Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
