I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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