she woke up with a sticky ear
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
