Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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