They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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