I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
