i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize