see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
