dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
