you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
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She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
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You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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