Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
