I think I won the penis lottery.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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