Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
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