I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I will be naked everywhere
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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