dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
