I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
