she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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