We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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