dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
