Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
