I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
