Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
