Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
