The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
