Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
