My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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