You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
