Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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