I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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