Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
