I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
