Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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