Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
