theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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