I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
