it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
