Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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