I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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