**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Sober January is a disaster.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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