70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
