margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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