and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
