I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
