I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
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mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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