oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
