Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
