What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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