i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just found puke in my bra..
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
