I accidentally had phone sex last night
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
