i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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