my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
