I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
