I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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