It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
