I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
