It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
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wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
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Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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