Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
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