Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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