I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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