you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
