my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you inspire me to be a worse person
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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