I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
