This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
